By Duchess of Hackney

Hackney livin' n lovin'. Sarky frosty knickers always gobby, and perpetually pissed off for good reasons. Wind up merchant extraordinaire, but a nice old fashioned unusually unusual gal... Writing lots of wrongs.

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How NOT to arrange a ménage à trois like Jenny Mollen did

Never ever have a threesome with your best friend and your man.

Some times sexual fantasies are best left as a fantasy if they are anything like what I have experienced.  I have a feeling actress Jenny Mollen might agree although her husband actor Jason Biggs is another story.

Jenny whom I’d never heard of before this weekend, recently penned a post on The Smoking Jacket, a Playboy affiliated website, about her decision to hire a “professional” as a unforgetable birthday present for Jason. For some bizarre reason she kept referring to the working girl as “whore” which I found quite offensive.  She tried too hard with the bravado.

But back to Jenny and Jason.  She wants a special birthday present for Jason and settles on a threesome….every mans dream right? Execept it doesn’t go as planned as she explains here:

The adventure started when I called up my asshole friend, Chelsea and asked if she knew any “massage therapists”. Chelsea insisted that this chick would come over and with the proper amount of alcohol, do whatever we wanted.

That night, I made the arrangements. I set the mood, turned on some Enigma, and poured champagne. My husband, however, paced around the house like a lunatic, wondering if he was going to get arrested for having a hooker visit our home. The girl arrived at the proper whoring hour of 9pm. I answered the door in a see-through bra and undies. I led her upstairs to my bedroom where she set up her massage table. About thirty minutes in, I started to realize something was wrong. This girl wasn’t a prostitute!! This girl was a legit massage therapist! Fucking Chelsea set me up. The entire hour she wouldn’t shut up about my rotator cuff and various bulging discs. As the night progressed, I did manage to get her drunk. Only to trap myself with her! She couldn’t drive home and wouldn’t shut the fuck up about her pilot she thought we would be perfect for and how, “Can you believe, so many people assume just because I’m a masseuse, I’m down for sex?” YES! I am one of those people! After hours of nonsense, she left. Jason was ready to strangle me. I called Chelsea, who proceeded to laugh her ass off for twenty minutes straight.

Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.

They eventually got it together with a girl in Vegas a few days later after another fail. She could have saved herself a lot of bother, false starts and rip offs, by diligent research. How so? For starters do not rely on a friends recommendation, especially if your friend just “assumes” someone would do it because she is a masseuse or because she is promiscuous.

I had a friend who was a total slut  promiscuous and made the mistake of assuming she could work as an escort. I was wrong. Sleeping with someone for money grossed her out, but sleeping with a stranger she had just met was something she did all the time.  Oh and leave friends out of it and DON’T think the best way is to get the girl drunk. Some girls don’t drink on the job although I have known of marathon sessions that went on fueled by cocaine and booze where the escort was up for it all.

The internet is a great source of information and the route she should have taken. With escort directory sites like Eros Guide and City Vibe she would have had visited various individual escort sites, emailed and called to get a feel for the gal, especially if she was to be involved.

I found that women are just that much more discerning when picking a female partner for a threesome. Men, well it might sound like I’m generalizing, but as long as two women are involved, their game for it, even if one was a midget with one leg.

I’m not a fan of prostitution review sites, but there are copious sites that review working gals and if you are going to be shelling out major mulla, you best make sure you are not getting a rip off, who will take your money then proceed to read you the penal code for prostitution and offer you a dance or a massage. Even worse, she tells you it’s company policy to drop off the money with her “driver” who is parked outside …… then she never comes back and you are left holding your proverbial dick in your hand.

I can assure you rip-offs are a dime a dozen, and your chances of running into one is greater than you meeting a righteous  noble escort.

So ladies don’t be a nelly like Jenny. Get to know your escort, develop a rapport via email and phone, set the mood right on the day/evening, get the finances out of the way and for heaven’s sake don’t think of her as a whore like Jenny did. Prostitutes are just like you and I making a living and some actually enjoy it. You would be surprised how many of my ladies would swoon while describing their time especially if the woman was as hot as Jenny Mollen.  Ditto the clients who would call back with their gratitude.

Me personally? Spontaneity.   Somethings are best left unplanned, even better when you least expect it.  And even better keep it a fantasy….you won’t be disappointed.

You can read Jenny Mollen’s tale here

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